Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
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my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.