“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
You Might Also Like
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
You learn something every day
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.