STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
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2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I think the cat got the dog high.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
can I use a minion as a tampon
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now