He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Still cracks me up
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’