He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
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Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.