Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Huge, if true.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
plums roundup
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.