How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.