He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
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OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..