@LostCatDog: He's dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He's a shit piñata. He's gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
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@hrtbps: Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler? Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
@riverpig12: Cats get a pass bc they're "Cleaning themselves". Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!
@Just_Lee_: Don't say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.