He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
This is hilarious….
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
The Onion called it…again.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.