There is no try. There is only give up.
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“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out