Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
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“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
even bears disappoint their mothers
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
I know
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras