“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.