“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Good boy 😂😂
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.