He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
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Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
What personal space?
My dog
All is fair in drunk and war.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second