@OVLH: "He's more scared of you than you are of him" - Girl coaching her friend into talking to me
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@tastefactory: A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they'll do nicely"
@UncleDuke1969: Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team? Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute. Jim: No, I- Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
@Nyx422: Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it's all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
@buttcrunchy: "honey why is our water bill so high?" *water bill sits there holding a bong* hahahah duuuude i don't know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?