@OVLH: "He's more scared of you than you are of him" - Girl coaching her friend into talking to me
@Black__Elvis: I was a bit upset that the condom I found in my wallet had expired but at the end of the day I'm just glad my wallet practices safe sex.
@FannyB1tch: Never pee with the door open, it totally freaks out the other motorists.
@dixie_dupree: Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals.....oh wait. This is just walmart
@Freudianscript: *I'm worried about tomorrow*
Tomorrow: I'm fine, stop worrying.
@LurkAtHomeMom: Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35