@OVLH: "He's more scared of you than you are of him" - Girl coaching her friend into talking to me
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@TheToddWilliams: Wife: I'm glad you're watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends? Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
@QwertyJones3: "Doctor, I'm afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me." THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
@bourgeoisalien: It's important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you're all set to go
@mccoy_paul: While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they'd do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.