Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.