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There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
thinking about a very short hotdog
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Good morning y’all ☀️
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.