As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
You had me at “define legal”.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”