He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
are they though??
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Okay
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy