He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet