Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Bit chilly again tonight.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt