“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
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