“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
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8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists