Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Perfect
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.