Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
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HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster