What I say and what I mean are three different things.
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When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
my retirement plan is braless
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn