“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad