– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
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Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there