– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
You Might Also Like
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”