@zacharyflynn: Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i'm marrying your dad
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@HairyJew4Life: Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
@internetluke: [talking with counselor] I don't "know" what "she" means that I "use" excessive air quotes
@david8hughes: If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.