Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
United Steaks of America
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.