Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
@funTweeters
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.