Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
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lost dog
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
No laws when master is gone
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place