Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
this is funnier than any friends episode
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too