I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
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[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low