waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
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sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet