2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
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me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.