– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
guilty
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow