@Tommytoughstuff: "Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero."
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: The police are at the front door ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
@bridger_w: If you're pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
@HeyZeus666: I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
@Thrill_Tweeter: People with FB statuses like, "I'm so angry right now", then when someone says, "What's up?" they reply, "I'll text you." WHAT ABOUT US?