“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Mad Max: Furry Road
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*