Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
You Might Also Like
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.