Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night