GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
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I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My brain is a bad influence on me
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
More like Kate Missington.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”