@Black__Elvis: Hey baby, is your father a thief because he stole the stars and he put them in your eyes and also my TV is missing.
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@truegritrumble: ME: *taking their hand* It's okay. We all struggle with connecting. RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me* Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt? Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
@BestScienceJoke: Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
@ValeeGrrl: 5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.