lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
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I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”