Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*updates tinder bio*
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Self-cleaning conscience
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”