Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit