Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
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Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Yes, but it was never about money
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.