In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”