Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Batman v Dracula
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
OH. COME. ON.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I’m awake but I object,
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”