Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
early stone age tool
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented