Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
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{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Sharon, call the vet
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.