@jesse_street: Hey Billy Joel it's called a pianist.
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@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind
@fixyourcompass: Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
@Tmoney68: Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, "YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD," because I am a mature adult.